Love Still Needs Somewhere to Go

Acceptance does not require silence.

Welcome back, Brujx.

Last week, we discussed a possibly freeing concept: suffering is not proof of love.

I can imagine that on the surface, none of us really have a problem agreeing with that statement. But it’s in the demonstration of said principle that we start to get tripped up. 

Because (in part) it feels as if there is no one there to receive our love. It is the unexpressed weight of that, still very alive, love that creates unnecessary suffering. 

Here’s a solution: Give the love somewhere to go.

One of the most common cultural ideas around grief is that eventually we are supposed to reach some kind of closure or resolution. But closure does not always mean you stop grieving. Resolution does not always mean the ache disappears. Acceptance does not always mean you become emotionally neutral about what happened.

Be careful about surrendering your grief to standards you have never actually examined. Especially if your grief journey is recent.

Who taught you what healthy grief looks like?

Your family? A religion? A therapist? A movie? A grief book? A social expectation? Some cultural script that says after enough time has passed you are supposed to stop talking about them so much?

It’s important to have standards. Standards can create stability in very unstable times. I’m warning you about the unexamined standards. Do not let them outrank your lived reality.

When I am speaking with the Dead, that does not mean I pretend Death did not happen. Not just because Death deserves the respect of being acknowledged as real. But also because it‘s simply not helpful.

The person is dead. Their physical body is no longer here. We have to acknowledge that the relationship has changed if we want to continue it.

You may still love them.

You may still miss them.

You may still have something to say.

So ...say it. This does not have to get complicated. No witchy/occult/mystery theatre necessary.

Just have a conversation or tell them a joke. Let them know you’re angry and why. Tell them you miss them or what you wish they had done differently. There’s no need to keep secrets anymore. Try being open to the possibility that their physical death might even allow you to have more intimacy than was possible before.

You do not need to decide whether they literally hear you in order for the practice to matter. You do not need a sign or a dream. That’s work for another phase.

This is not about looking for certainty when grief will highlight so much of the uncertain. Instead, focus on bringing yourself relief. When you can relieve yourself of some of the worst pain (ie, keeping your love unexpressed) then you make space inside of yourself for something more than just sadness.

Expressions of tenderness, affection and love are how we cultivate the connection.

** I want to take a moment to note the serious, profound, and, yet, ephemeral and ambiguous nature of relating to the dead. I believe this to be a real possibility and have experienced what I consider to be significant exchanges with the dead. What I do not pretend to know is every underlying mechanism that is involved in how those communications, downloads, and transmissions occur. I can guess at a few things, but I want to keep the focus of this work centered on the living human who has to survive the trauma that can come along with a very big shift.

When we can ground ourselves enough to remain observant when experiencing intense waves of grief, that can be the solid foundation for further paranormal experiences. You better believe you want to have a strong and firm foundation under your feet for some shit that will blow your mind and break what you once thought to be true about “reality.”

Here’s one final tough, but loving reminder:  No matter the loss, YOU remain ALIVE. There is no shame in using the instruments of your aliveness to be in a relationship with someone you continue to miss.

Your voice. Your memory. Your body. Share the food, the music and the dancing.

These are instruments available to you because you are still here. No need to edit the realness of your experience.

You can feel your chest ache, your stomach drop, your throat tighten and still remain in relationship with yourself.

You can begin a ritual and decide halfway through that you have had enough.

You can speak their name and immediately start sobbing.

Let this question be your guiding light:

Can I remain connected to myself while this emotion moves through me?

If you can, then you remain present and aware as you move through what is essentially a rebirth experience. That presence can help you consciously influence and shape the life you will lead beyond the present challenges of grief.

Witch Wisdom: Acceptance can look like carrying your broken heart forward into your own bright future.

If you want a little structure for exploring this practice, Speaking to the Dead (and Surviving the Conversation), is already waiting for you in the Vault.

If you want Estrellita beside you while you explore, you can ask:

“I want to explore what an ongoing relationship with someone who died might mean to me. Help me separate what I know, what I believe, what I hope, and what I do not know. Do not tell me whether they are contacting me or assign supernatural meaning to anything. Help me imagine a relationship practice that feels honest and keeps me connected to my own authority.”

And remember, our Halloween Death Witch Dance Party is coming on Thursday, October 22 at 8 PM Eastern.

Bring a photograph or wear something they loved. Dance with them.

Request their favorite song! 

You know the DJ :) 

With you in the dark,

Mel, The Body Witch